Monday, April 11, 2005

To my dear girlfriend who I may never meet...

To my dear girlfriend who I may never meet,

I like to firstly, apologise for the timing of my letter. It may be too early – I may not be the same person you will to meet or never to meet in the near future. It may be too late – you may have by some change of destiny, left this world or fell in love with your dream man, by which I presume I will be alone for the rest of my life, but I think that is only irrelevant.

I guess I need to explain to you the purpose of my letter. My hope is, more or less, for you to know me better. Most people will think that this is absurd, since we may never meet. But it is precisely for this reason that the letter is written, as I may not get to say what I want to, and more so, if we will to meet, for you to know me as I am now.

I am just over 32 years of age. At times, I think I suffer from depression, although most of the time, it is loneliness. And I hate myself for my inadequacy in dealing with it at times. However, I am glad to say that I live a fruitful life amid the mental hardships. At this stage of my life, I am more than relieve and indeed fortunate to have more than my fair share of faithful companions other than of the human type. This is not to say that I do not enjoy the company of friends, colleagues or course mates, especially of the female species, but my companions have the efficacy of enhancing my relationships with people and the quality of my life, which to me, is of utmost importance.

I have a passion for writing in the English language which you may have realised by now. And it is with pride that I introduce to you the first of my companions – writing. Writing allows me access into another world - completely surreal yet somehow related to the real world – that is my thoughts. Through writing, I have learnt to be in touch with my feelings and thoughts and to acquire self-awareness. None the less, it is an attempt to make sense of this chaotic world. I have a wish to write a book in my lifetime, using my journal and diary as manuscripts. It does not matter if the book is ever published. It’s objective, other than being an accomplishment, is to leave behind a memoir to the people I love, before I leave this world. And it allows me to write regularly.

Reading forms an immense part of my life as I just about hit 30. From self-improvement, management to philosophy, it is like a river too deep to swim out once you have leapt in. Obviously, my reading and life experiences form the basis for my writing. Book attracts me with its offer of a movie-like experience that revolves around my brain and a peep into other people’s lives and thoughts. At first, it serves simply as answers to the many questions I have of this world, no matter how some sound more like clichés. And I learn to assess and pick up values that I see fit and to discard those clearly of no worth to myself. The same can be applied to peoples’ advice or criticism; you need to have your own stand, it does not matter what their intentions are.

I began my journey as a Toastmasters in 2004 after going through a short course on public speaking. I adore the notion of speaking in front of an audience, reaching out to each one of them to touch their heart and mind and making a difference in their lives. I realised that to make a decent speech is valuable skills that can be picked up. And I have, at that time, seen the importance of communication first hand, having to work in an office dominated by females (how else to learn best, other than from the experts). What use is of knowledge then if it cannot be expressed or passed on? But I still believe more in being a good listener than a speaker, which can maybe be explained by my introvert nature.

Like most of my peers, who are single, I crave for emotional intimacy with the opposite sex. I have no idea what this will lead to, but then again, I don’t have much control over it as nature takes its course. I have succeeded to a certain extent in diverting most of my energy to the other aspects of my life, barring those components that I have left to faith.

I guess I am entitled to some mortal pleasures, which in my case, involves two team of each eleven people, some considered the most handsome and famous, chasing and kicking a ball. From arcade games, X-box to EPL on cable, I regularly spend part of my previous time hooked on and sustaining broken fragments of my childhood dreams. Music and Movies are the other pastimes worthy of mention. They seldom fail to tickle or stir my deepest soul such is my sensitivity.

I have came to a point where I see that nowhere am I going to justify compressing and compiling the whole world and the characteristics of a human being into a single letter such is the complexity. Thus, I can only hope that this letter can draw a brief, if not vague, picture of myself to your satisfaction and for the mere pleasure of yours and my.

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