Sunday, September 16, 2012

Can We Talk?

Can we talk?
Not too long, not
Too short. Like
A river runs
Into infinite

Can we talk?
Not too long, not
Too short. In an endless
Moment the sun takes
Closing the door between
Heaven and earth.


Can we just talk?

Sometimes, I wonder how does the mind work? This constant flow of quiet monologue. Flashes of soundless, shapeless words glinting in a dark abyss. Like intermittent lightnings lashing a grey sky open. Does it leave scars in the mind's wall? The result, an impression, or image indelible? Like a fall on a child's first walk, or during his first bicycle ride.

This is but my prologue.

The fluted tree trunk stands in the wind, only to be scarred by the wind, in its struggle for life and growth.

“It’s not just other people we need to forgive. We also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done. You can’t get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened.” ~ Morrie (from "Tuesdays with Morrie')

Regrets. Their guilt and pain. I never quite got around to talking about these. I used to say that pain or joy, both of life, in its whole spectrum of emotions, allows us to live fully. You can't simply deny the existence of either.

I've forgotten how it started; it has been so long the way I live this life. Almost piously. I was telling a friend how suddenly I felt so busy, having a packed schedule all the time: going for a run this day, a movie that day, a football match on another. All I remember, at the beginning, was thinking to myself: to follow my passions. What's life without hope and passion? So that's where it started: books, running, films, soccer...stuff like that. All the while, unconsciously, I refuse to dawn on what I don't have. I accepted regrets. I chose to move on. Till I don't know what I miss, I guess. Marriage, parenthood? I've said before that the road ahead, as I grow older, is going to get tougher. Regrets accumulate. Like dust. They don't go away. So now I have them for company. What have I done to my life? How did I end up in this mess? No, I say. I am just me. This is the life I know best to live. And I am going to live it the best I can. With regrets.

Two times. People gave me a puzzled look. Complete blank, so to speak. I was light years ahead, I thought, when I talked about regrets, how we should accept them as part of life. Perhaps, in their mind, regret is not a right thing to have; it does not fit into their framework of a successful life, a complete life. Perhaps, they are right, in the context of their lives. But perhaps, not mine.         

Edited on 21 Sep 2012

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